Who Am I and Who Do I Want to Be? …
In their thought-provoking research paper “Recognizing the Importance of Childhood Maltreatment as a Critical Factor in Psychiatric Diagnosis, Treatment, Research, Prevention and Education,” Martin H. Teicher, Jeoffry B. Gordon, and Charles B. Nemeroff call on us to recognize the importance of childhood abuse and the molecular and neurobiological transformations that distinguish patients with a maltreatment history versus the patient without this exposure. They bravely ask that as we come out on the other side of the Covid 19 pandemic, that we herald in a transformation in psychiatric practice, research and education acknowledging that the molecular and neurobiological effects of childhood abuse have been largely unrecognized; and, as such has, been an enormous barrier to progress for the sufferer.
Reading their words gave me hope. Hope for me and hope for you. As I have shared, I am ever so grateful each morning as I watch the sun rise on a new opportunity, to try again. And today that gratitude extends to the doctors, neuroscientists and behavioral health professionals that are delving into this research and finding the answers to the loss of my “I”/my true self that was stolen with each cruel act, verbal denigration, hit and inappropriate touch.
As children we do not understand why abuse occurs. Later, if lucky enough to get into therapy, the realization that each time an abuse occurred, more and more of the “I” that we had got robbed from us. Our sense of worth and the essence of our childhood were stolen. The knowledge that you are “good enough” is never developed.
Since we are so young, we do not even know it has been stolen; so, we don’t know to even want it back. We assume we are normal. We look like other children who confidently walk-through life; yet, somehow, we are different.
It becomes harder and harder to function in the world around us and we do not understand why. What do “other” children have that I don’t have? And the cycle of never “measuring up” keeps us trapped in patterns of self-destruction.
Dr. Brene Brown, researcher and shame expert, writes in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): “When I’m so worried about what I am supposed to be, who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be, I can’t figure out who I am and who I want to be.”
And so, if little Bess cannot figure out who I am or who I want to be, it feels safest to crawl in my hole, close the door and hide. Surely, I am not alone in having queried my identity the way Dr. Brown so succinctly describes. Have you ever found yourself morphing into what you think others want you to be? I surely have. Have you ever noticed how you try on different “skins” looking for one that will make you feel like you belong, like you are accepted, like you are loved? I surely have.
So much of my life, I never felt safe. It was that fear that kept me needing to separate from the people around me. That fear breeds mistrust. That fear keeps you out of the continuum of living. It was more comfortable being isolated than risking being in community. Have you ever felt like this?
Gratefully, friends, with the help of behavioral health counselors over the years and a lot of falling in the trenches, I slowly made strides in the knowing of me. It has been painful, but I slowly was able to risk being “seen”. I slowly learned to say “yes” to life and life said “yes” back. It was that sense of belonging and being loved that opened my heart to the knowing of me and the journey of reclamation of the “I” that was stolen so long ago. This can be you.
According to Dr. Van Der Kolk in “The Body Keeps The Score,”
“Study after study shows that having a good support network constitutes the single most powerful protection against becoming traumatized. Safety and terror are incompatible. When we are terrified, nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust. Frightened adults respond to the same comforts as terrified children: gentle holding and rocking and the assurance that somebody bigger and stronger is taking care of things, so you can safely go to sleep. To recover, mind, body and brain need to be convinced that it is safe to let go. That happens only when you feel safe at a visceral level and allow yourself to connect that sense of safety with memories of past helplessness.”
This past week, friends, my counselor had me look at the part of me that never feels good enough. She asked me to visualize myself sitting high aloft a mountain top. That part of me that never felt good enough/that little lost lonely girl sat on a mountain top across from me. I sat there a long time staring at her, friends, before I felt my heart stir for that little girl so alone and frightened. I told her how much she was loved. I cried for her. I held her. I touched the wounds so deeply embedded in her. And I told her I would keep her safe. It was a transformative moment for me. All we all ever want is to be loved, to be held, to be seen. And so, I held that frightened little girl of long ago. If she ever wants to come visit again, I will hold a space for her in my heart.
It has been a long journey, my friends, but I was graced with finally recognizing that “I” was more than the things that happened to me. The things that happened to me were just that “things that happened” to this physical shell, but the “I” of me was deep inside all along. Holding me. Loving me.
I struggle. I struggle deeply. But I am loved. You are loved. We are all loved by the same big “yes”.
This morning in my Daily Meditation from Father Richard Rohr, he reminded me that
“We matter. We have to choose to trust reality and even our physicality, which is finally to trust ourselves. How can people who do not trust themselves know how to trust anyone or anything at all? Trust, like love, is of one piece.
In the practical order, we find our Original Goodness when we can discover and own the faith, hope and love deeply planted within us.”
And so, friends, as we enter this new day where we get to try again, my hope for you is to know you are loved. To know there are answers and remedies and there are people out there paving the way for our healing.
Let’s hold hands with faith, hope and love.
Please share your stories with me, and all of us in this community, in the comments box below. Please share this newsletter with your friends, your family, your coworkers, with any one you think could benefit from this community. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Until next time, friends.