Reducing the Number of Votes You Give “Sorry” …
Have you ever stopped to count the number of times you say “I am sorry” in an ordinary day? Have you ever taken pause at that voice of self judgement quietly robbing you of your self-worth?
James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits says:
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”
The number of votes of “I am sorry” I take in a day was a startling wake up call.
In the early darkness of the morning yesterday, I quietly slipped out from under my weighted blanket, tiptoed into the bathroom and silently closed the door. Without turning the lights on, I began my morning ablution routine. I was not more than a few minutes into my ritual when the bathroom door slid open, and my husband appeared, eyes full of sleep. “I am sorry, did I wake you?” was my first response to seeing his sleepy face. We both got on with our routines and I took the shared electric toothbrush base and said, “I am sorry, can I use it first?” While I was in the closet dressing, I accidentally bumped into him and “sorry” slipped from my mouth.
Instead of “Good morning. I love you.” slipping from my mouth, “sorry” took precedence, multiple times.
“Behind the lines in many of our psyches there is a sense of disappointment that we are not always feeling that we are being true to ourselves in some way. And what is it that really tugs us away from being true to ourselves is that there is some vulnerability or insecurity that makes it so we cannot really trust ourselves. We are inclined to take the cues and be who we think we should be, rather than listening and responding from our hearts.”
From Awaken Your Fearless Heart by Tara Brach, PhD
I drove to my son’s home to pick up my three grandchildren for their weekly swim lessons. My son comes out of the house with the car seats and thanks me for helping him out of this pinch. My response is “I am sorry because I must bring them straight back after lessons, as I have a swim lesson downtown, I cannot be late for.” Of course, it is not a problem, but I choose to say “sorry” one more time.
In the car on the way to swim, my grandson asks for water. “I am sorry”, it is in the trunk. My granddaughter asks to show me something. My response, “I am sorry” I am driving. I will look once we get there. My other grandson asks what snacks I brought. I tell him raisins, protein bars and a cinnamon raisin bagel we will all share. He asks if I brought cream cheese. I say “I am sorry” I do not have any with me but will bring some next time.
At the swim center I find myself saying “I am sorry” so many times for almost everything and anything. Eventually, my grandchildren start laughing at Mimi and mimicking me by saying “I am sorry” over and over. The exaggeration expression song of “I am sorry” brings me to a standstill.
From a young age, we all receive messages from our families. Some of these messages might be positive, but many can also be negative, and this is particularly the case for those who experienced childhood abuse or neglect. When we internalize these negative messages and values, we can get sucked into what Tara Brach, PhD calls a “Trance of Unworthiness”. She refers to it as “a state of walking through life constantly feeling inadequate, defective, shameful, discontent with ourselves and never good enough.”
I took a pause. I took a breath. I listened to the laughter of my grandchildren. I felt their arms around my legs. I checked in with my heart. All these things helped draw me into the present moment.
Father Richard Rohr says “anything that draws you out of yourself in a positive way is operating as God for you in that moment. God needs something to seduce you out of yourself, so God uses three things in particular: goodness, truth and beauty.” My grandchildren were that Grace-full seduction in that moment.
They helped me see that I did not need to be sorry for these things. Being brought back to this moment helped me SEE my little grandchildren and SEE the message I was giving them. This was NOT a message I want to pass forward.
I do not want them to ever feel they need to be sorry for who they are, what they do, or any misstep. Life will provide enough opportunities for them to walk that path. I do not want to pass forward any sense of not feeling good enough to these beautiful souls. Our actions and words speak volumes and influence our inner self and those around us.
I counted how many times I said “sorry” that day. Too many. Too many.
I am sorry I bumped into you, son. My head was elsewhere.
I am sorry my hand is wet when shaking yours.
I am sorry if I woke you.
I am sorry the coffee isn’t ready yet.
I am sorry I forgot to lay the vitamins out.
I am sorry I didn’t text you.
I am sorry I ran into you in the lane.
I am sorry I stopped too short.
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.
I am sorry for interrupting your precious time.
I am sorry I can’t stay.
I am sorry I can’t.
I am sorry the necklace is broken.
I am sorry I couldn’t make it.
I am sorry I had to leave early.
I am sorry I am sick.
I am sorry I am tired.
I am sorry I got mad.
I am sorry I ate the last of the ice cream.
I am sorry but I don’t want to go.
I am sorry. Why? Just because.
I am sorry, but I need a nap.
I am sorry, I don’t have water.
I am sorry dinner isn’t ready yet.
I am sorry, I can’t lift that.
I am sorry, I can’t pick you up.
I am sorry for interrupting you.
I am sorry you feel badly.
I am sorry, I am not ready.
I am sorry, but that hurts.
I am sorry, but I don’t like that.
I am sorry, but I can’t.
I am sorry, was it my fault?
I am sorry, did I make that happen?
I am sorry you lost it. Did I do anything wrong?
I am sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
I am sorry I brushed my teeth first.
I am sorry I didn’t put cream cheese on the bagel.
How many times do you say “I am sorry” in a day?
What if we replace “I am sorry” with “I love you”? What if we remind our inner selves and others of our love? Let us all try that this week and let me know how that goes for you.
I am reducing the number of votes I give “sorry” and replacing it with “love” to build up a clearer, more present, healing identity. How about you?
I will leave you with this thought from finding I Bess Hilpert:
“Perhaps, we can be brave together by starting a larger conversation and freeing ourselves from the crippling shame of childhood abuse and the downstream trans-generational affects that may cripple generations to come. It will take all of us. Each one of your voice’s matters. You matter. Your children matter. Their children matter.”
Until next time, friends.