Holding on to Fifteen Seconds of Positivity…
My coach told me after swim practice one day that I did a good job leading the lane. I breathed. I smiled. I held onto her words for 15 seconds. I did not drop them, ignore them, or pretend like she was wrong. I held those words in my heart for 15 seconds. It felt good, friends. It felt good.
My son lovingly told me over dinner, that if I reached one person with my writing that I was making a difference. I stopped. I breathed. I held his words in my heart for 15 seconds. I did not dismiss his words. I did not dismiss this as not important. I did not say he was wrong. I breathed and embraced those words for 15 seconds feeling my heart expand.
At the dentist this past week, the hygienist told me I had nice teeth as she was doing my bi-annual cleaning. I paused. I held her words in my heart. I breathed into them. I did not poo-poo her. I did not tell her she was wrong. I did not disassociate. I held onto those words for 15 seconds. I let them soak in and fill my heart. I felt gratitude and kindness.
I found myself practicing these 15 seconds of holding and embracing positive experiences several times this past week. But I must share, I was a grumpy girl these last many days. I am not sure I made a dent in altering my neural pathways. If there are any therapists/counselors out there that can explain this, please chime in.
Dr. Rick Hanson, a neuroscientist, discovered what he refers to as the Velcro & Teflon Theory. He discovered that the human brain has a natural negativity bias to internalize negative experiences more deeply than positive ones. He believes our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.
When we have a negative, fear based, shameful experience or an insecure thought, our minds wrap around it like Velcro. When we have a positive experience, such as a compliment (my coach) or someone affirms (my son) and congratulates you, it slides off like melted butter on a Teflon pan. Our brains are hardwired to remember the negative experiences and quickly forget the positive experiences.
The human mind is attracted to the negative, which is one of the reasons we get so caught up in gossip. It explains why bad news is good for ratings. Shame can stick with us for years; and, yet, we are not nearly as affected by the positive feedback we receive.
I felt stymied that I felt so weighed down, instead of lifted up, by all this work I was doing on myself as part of my healing journey. So, I opened my toolbox and peeked in.
I took the path of breathing into my soul to try and understand why I felt so locked up in my heart and in my body. I took that breathing exercise and added movement. I left my house and went for a walk. I began a breathing walking meditation. Slowly, I noticed the sky and the cloud patterns in the sky. Breathing deeply, I felt the cold air on my face and hands. I bent down and picked a yellow weed from the ground feeling the softness of the pedals of this lost dandelion. I heard the wind rustling through the trees and felt its power pushing my body wrapped securely in a big down coat. Eventually my breathing became rhythmic, like my footsteps, carrying me forward. Forward into this moment. Forward so I could gently hold space for myself and my grumpiness.
In this quiet uninterrupted space, I wondered if my body, and my brain were rebelling against the positive. I wondered if I had been holding onto the negative, as a result of my painful history, for so long that it had become my normal resting place. It is what I have always known. It was familiar. It was me….
And, so, holding those beautiful 15 seconds of positivity was threatening my stasis. Threatening a pattern, I had been locked into for over sixty years. Could it be that my body and brain did not want to change?
Change my neural pathways to accept that I am good. Accept that I am worthy. Accept that I deserve kindness and happiness and joy.
My body/my self was rebelling. Rebelling against change.
I paused.
I breathed.
I asked my deep self, my true self what she wanted.
And from the depths of my spirit, my heart I knew. I heard her cry. I heard the voice inside of me begging to break the chains of the hurt I experienced as a child and young adult. Begging to be free from this cage of self-doubt, inner pain, and loneliness. I do want to experience life through a positive lens. A positive lens of self and world. Don’t you?
So, friends, we must keep practicing those 15 seconds of embracing the positive however and whatever form it comes along. From getting to swim, to getting to choose what you want to eat from a restaurant menu, from getting to say what is really in your heart, to getting to wrap your arms around your children and/ or grandchildren, to getting to sleep in or wake early. You choose. Allow yourself to soak in that compliment, that moment of gratitude, that expression of love given to you, that job well done for 15 seconds. Feel the peace it brings your heart and body.
We must be willing to go through “the dark night of the soul,” as Christian mystic Saint John of the Cross describes life’s challenges, in order to push forward. Eventually, those 15 seconds will add up. Add up to a new and different countenance/experience of the world and ourselves.
Let us keep practicing 15 seconds of positive experiences/thoughts this week. Let’s rely on our toolbox and talk about how we are feeling next week.
I will leave you with this one final thought from Mark Nepo‘s Surviving Storms: “We always have a teacher just around the corner that is asking us to lean a little further into our not knowing.”
Until next time, friends.