Mending a Flu Break

Kintsugi for People…

Happy New Year, friends!

The Holiday Season, trimmed with cookies, presents, hopes, and children’s saucer-sized eyes gave way to the flu, passed from one family member to the other, finally landing hard on my doorstep. The nearly four-week “flu-sie” journey taught me isolation, impatience, frustration, and ultimately surrender.  How I wished I could have returned this gift!

I learned to give into the unpredictability of my inability to “rise to the occasion,” and drop full body into the Surrender River’s most certain flow and current. I could not push the river. I could not change the cadence of the water’s spillage. I could only give into the flu’s flow.

And so, I succumbed, listened, waited, and learned to enjoy the expansiveness that comes from dropping into the present, and allowing it to hold me. This was a new experience for me as the wounds of the past normally win the shouting contest of my worthiness. If I do not swim, do not walk, do not show up to coach, give a lesson, help my son, clean the house, write…

Instead, my “yes” went to sleep, brush my teeth, sleep some more, eat, sleep some more, try to rise and do some work, but fall back again in exhaustion. Rinse and repeat. I found blessings in saying “yes” not to the wounds of the past, but to the moment being gifted to me. I found healing in the kindness I was gifting myself and that was being gifted to me by those close to me. Whether it be tea with honey, a warm blanket, the covering of a work shift, a loving text, a gentle reminder, or a loving word, these gestures led to both a physical and emotional healing.

In the Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma published online in February of 2018 Ivana Lucero wrote an article titled “Written in the Body, Healing the Epigenetic Molecular Wounds of Complex Trauma through Empathy and Kindness.” The author states:

“The biological/genetic approach to trauma transmission examines how traumatic environments shape bodies at the molecular level, leaving “molecular scars” that affect a person’s functioning and may be transmitted between and across generations.” Later the author concludes:” To heal the person, we must first work to heal the environment. For our societies to truly thrive, we must be kind to one another.”

As former Surgeon General of California, Nadine Burke-Harris has said, and I quote in my book finding I, A Journey of Repair we need to “start a revolution.”

The Greek word “blessed” means “inner happiness.” I felt “blessed” by such loving kindness at a time that normally I would fall prey to deep depression or anxiety. I experienced that “inner happiness” is my total surrender.  Curious to me to write those words. Hmmm.

Being happy draws us to peacefulness. Being peaceful is being able to say “yes” to the life I have and not the life I wish I had. There are things in my life that I can change for the better, but much of life is learning to say “yes” to things that I cannot change. I cannot change what happened to me, but I can say “yes” to these tiny moments and discover the love on the other side of the “yes.”

American professional baseball catcher, Yogi Berra, said: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” And while this malapropism is funny, it’s a useful illustration of life’s big and little decision points. When we come to that crossroad, we do not want to stall there, or we will hesitate our way out of living. We can only, paradoxically, experience all there is by giving ourselves completely and humbly to the small path we are drawn toward. Finding the courage to say “yes” when the road is dark or you do not know what lies ahead. Trusting in the light inside you to guide you, hold you, love you.

I read this beautiful quote this week by physician and teacher Rachel Naomi Remen:

“Every time anyone becomes more transparent to the light in them, they will restore the light in the world.”

If it is true that “hurting people hurt people,” then it must also be true that “healing people heal people.” (Amazingly, after this post was written, author Kristin Armstrong said these exact words to me in an email this week!) But you have to consciously choose. We can choose to turn the scars and scandals of our lives into deeper meaning and purpose. If we do so, our hurts become health-bestowing wounds, the source of our individual spiritual genius, which shapes the unique work we are called to do in this world. It is our wounds that lead to wisdom and teach us, ultimately, to love and heal the world. If we choose not to use our wounds as gifts, or turn them into rage, then the evil persists in the world, and the hurt is perpetuated.

According to the Center for Action and Contemplation staff member Mike Petrow, there is a Japanese method of repairing pottery, called Kintsugi, using precious metals, gold, silver, or platinum, to mend broken pottery and fill in the cracks. It does not hide the pottery’s brokenness, and in fact, it makes it more beautiful. We all can work to repair our world in a similar way. Love and kindness are precious bonds that can help heal human breakage.

Because of the flu, God presented me with the gifts of space, time, and breath to be able to ponder how, in my brokenness and helplessness, I can be present to my needs, to give myself grace and love and time to heal. To strengthen myself so I can see the needs of those around me. To find the precious mettle (not a typo) inside me to forge healing in others. Let us keep reaching out and repairing one another with kindness. You may just be saving someone’s life.

In greeting 2024, I leave you with this poem by Daana Faulds, as it is quoted in Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper:

Walk Slowly

It only takes a reminder to breathe,
a moment to be still, and just like that,
something in me settles, softens, makes
space for imperfection. The harsh voice
of judgement drops to a whisper and I
remember again that life isn’t a relay
race; that we will all cross the finish
line; that waking up to life is what we
were born for. As many times as I
forget, catch myself charging forward
without even knowing where I am going,
that many times I can make the choice
to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk
slowly into the mystery.

Until next time, friends.