Love Wins

Timely Love Makes A Difference…

In August of 2022 a tiny soul broke through the veil into the earthly realm. It was months too early, yet filled with all the needs of any soul landing that day. It was scared, cold, hungry, and in need of motherly touch.

It cried hoping for a swaddle and a warm breast. One did not come. It cried in hopes of being held and rocked. It was not. It cried in hopes of knowing it was not alone. It was alone. No one came. No one.

It lay in a sterile infant cubicle, alone. It was fed cold milk in a bottle held by a mechanical hand. No one smiled in its face, rocked it back and forth, counted its toes, cooed with delight at its face, rubbed its back, or responded to its cries.

According to American psychiatrist, Dr. Bruce D. Perry,

“Infants need relationship for healthy brain development. Neglecting these needs can have a profound impact on every aspect of a child’s growth. The brain is an historical organ. It stores our personal narrative. Our life experiences shape who we become by creating our brain’s catalog of template memories, which guide our behavior, sometimes in ways we can consciously recognize, more often via processes beyond our awareness.”

Time passed. A day turned into several days into a week into a second week. The cries subsided. The little body did not kick and squirm or reach up to be held. Swallowing was difficult.

An infant’s early attachment to a caregiver is critical to their emotional and physical health. This interconnection is the important neurobiological glue that bonds and creates healthy relationships. The most powerful rewards we can receive as an infant are the attention, approval, and affection of those that love us. No one was there to love this baby soul.

Dr. Bruce D. Perry teaches us that

“If a baby’s smiles are ignored, if it is repeatedly left to cry alone, if it is not fed, or fed roughly without tenderness to without being held, the positive associations between human contact and safety, predictability and pleasure may not develop.

The price of love is the agony of loss, from infancy onward. The attachment between a baby and his first primary caregivers is not trivial: the love a baby feels for its caregivers is every bit as profound as the deepest romantic connection. It is the template memory of this primary attachment that will allow the baby to have healthy intimate relationships as an adult.”

Without love, a child will literally not grow.

But, at long last, the prayers of this tiny baby boy and the prayers of two soul-filled people collided. This tiny, tiny soul was picked up, held skin to skin, toes counted, tears, filled with love, spilled on his chest. He was no longer alone. He was no longer alone as he fought for his life for the next eighteen months. Repeatedly hospitalized for Failure to Thrive, or RSV, or Pneumonia. Diagnosed with cerebral palsy and told he would never walk. Told he was profoundly deaf and would not speak. Through it all, he was loved and held and rocked. He was learning he was not alone in this fear-full world. He was safe.

There is a character in Dr. Bruce D. Perry’s book “The Boy Who Was Raised a Dog” called Mama Pi. Her style of care and nurturing taught the experts what they did not know:

“Mama Pi’s overwhelmingly affectionate, physically nurturing style was just what the doctor should have ordered. These children had never received the repeated, patterned physical nurturing needed to develop a well-regulated and responsive stress response system. They had never learned that they were loved and safe; they did not have the internal security needed to safely explore the world and grow without fear. They were starving for touch-and Mama Pi gave it to them.”

These two soul-filled humans poured deeply affectionate love into this tiny little human, willing him to live. Willing him to fight against all the odds. They were Mama Pi to this once-abandoned soul.

Eighteen months later this once-alone soul can now walk. He can hear completely with one ear and somewhat in the other. This beautiful tiny soul can say “mama” and “dada”. This beautiful soul smiles and the whole room lights up. Thanks to my son, my daughter-in-law, and their three natural-born children, tons of love, prayers and support from a lot of people, this tiny, brave, surviving soul is now my fourth, and first adopted, grandchild.

This soul should never have had to face the suffering of being left.  Circumstances and neglect nearly took his life, but love turned it all around.

Yesterday I spent the day at the Center for Child Protection (Center For Child Protection – Here To Protect Austin Kids) in Austin, Texas. Yesterday my heart broke and my heart was filled with gratitude for the work that the Center (as they refer to themselves) is doing to protect, provide justice, and to heal children who have been abused in any form. The Center provided safety for over one thousand children last year. One thousand innocent souls were hurt in ways that are unimaginable, but now they have hope for healing.

The men and women who work at the Center are Mama Pi to the wounded, the broken, the scarred children and their families and caregivers. These children will never again be without safety, without healing, without basic necessities (be it a bed, a jacket, or toothpaste and a toothbrush), and without love. Moreover, as the children grow up, the Center will still provide ongoing care for them if they need it.

Using Dr. Bruce D. Perry’s “Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics”, a developmentally sensitive, neurobiologically informed approach to clinical work, education, and caregiving, these men and women can alter the trajectory of these young souls’ lives. And they do it with such compassion, empathy, and unconditional love.

Witnessing their work, I could only muse on how my life would have been different if I had had the Center’s resources available to me as a lost, lonely, and hurt child. I have spent quiet moments since returning from the Center imagining little Bess curled up on Mama Pi’s big lap, being held so tightly and rocked back and forth, back and forth. How that sense of safety would have changed me from the frightened girl/woman I am to a girl/woman anxious to explore, take risks, leap, and land with a laugh.

How can we stop this cycle of abuse? How can we support these organizations designed to shelter our most innocent? What will it take to help, and stop, those who are hurting from hurting others?

Dr. Vincent Felitti and Dr. Robert Anda are the authors of the ACE-Kaiser Permanente study. Dr. Anda is quoted as saying:

“When the ACE data started appearing on my computer screen, I realized I had stumbled upon the gravest and most costly public health issue in the United States: child abuse. I had calculated that its overall costs exceeded those of cancer and heart disease and that eradicating child abuse in America would reduce the overall rate of depression by more than half, alcoholism by two thirds, and suicide, IV drug use, and domestic violence by three quarters. It would also have a dramatic effect on workplace performance and vastly decrease the need for incarceration.”

Dr. Bruce D. Perry reminds us that:

“Basic child development tells us that if children feel safe, they go explore the world and then come back to the parent or caregiver to get regulated, and then go explore again. Curiosity about other humans is a powerful antidote to the fearfulness poisoning our society. When we are curious, we become more accepting and aware of the power of diversity. Diversity is a sign of health in any biological system.”

The Center believes that community education can help in reducing the incidents of child abuse. Their website offers a variety of free prevention training courses in English and Spanish, online and in-person. The more adults who are trained to spot the telltale signs of abuse and report it, the more children can get help earlier in their abuse, and maybe more of the hurt people out there will get help before they hurt other children.

Can we make a difference together? Can we hold hands and move through the suffering to find the wonder through the power of love?

I leave you with these words from Spiritual Leader Thich Nhat Hanh:

“Love enables us to see things that cannot be seen without love.
The eyes of compassion are also the eyes of understanding.
Compassion is the sweet water that springs forth from the source of understanding.
To practice looking deeply is the medicine for anger, hatred, and fear.”

May we all look deeply.

Until next time, friends.