Searching to Find Purpose

Soulful Reconnections…

Hello friends!

It has certainly been a while since my last post. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking of writing, or even trying to multiple times, but, honestly, life got in the way, and I got out of the habit of sitting down to share whatever it was that moved me. So, I don’t know if this is the start of a new string of Finding I posts or not. But here goes…

One August morning, I sat as I always do, at the round glass kitchen table in the muted light deep in prayer. It was four in the morning. I like to believe that at this hour I am in unison with thousands of others around the world contemplating the mystery of our beings and the desire that love will prevail.

This particular morning was the four-year anniversary of the death of one of my brothers. I felt my heart swell. I felt his presence through the cloaked silence. I almost believed I could see him in my mind’s eye.

As I reflected on our years of memories (good and bad), I paused at the realization that he was the age I am now when he passed through the veil of life. I had read that we do not pass into this new realm until we have completed our purpose. What had been his purpose? Did he know he had made a difference and completed his task here before he was taken too soon? Do any of us feel deeply connected to our soul’s purpose this time around?

A deep silence enveloped me, quieting my questioning mind. I slowed my breath. I went inside searching for my soul, for an understanding of my purpose. Lost in this state, the world swirled by leaving me on a quest for answers. Answers I have been searching for since we last sat together. Answers I do not have, but intentions I now seek.

I once read that trauma can significantly impact a person’s sense of purpose, often leading to a feeling of lost direction and meaning in life due to the disruption of their worldview and self-esteem caused by the traumatic event. I do not know if my early life adversity stole my soul’s compass, but as I have sought answers these past few months, I have felt rudderless, grounded, immovable.

And then while scrolling the internet I stumbled on American actor Chadwick Bosman’s 2018 commencement speech at Harvard University where he addressed purpose:

Purpose is an essential element of you. It is the reason you are on the planet at this particular time in history. Your very existence is wrapped up in the things you are here to fulfill. Whatever you choose for a career path, remember, the struggles along the way are only meant to shape you for your purpose.

Ahhhh, the struggles are here to shape me. To shape us. I may not understand or see my purpose through these struggles, but I can continue to live with intention and pray I am part of a much larger love chain. One that includes each fall and failure, each broken heart and each moment of isolation, each negative voice attacking my sense of self-worth and each reminder that I am not good enough.

Can I, despite my mental and physical struggles due to early life trauma, help spread love and laughter and joy and compassion? Can I be more than my fears? More than the weight that is strapped around my waist pulling me into the abyss? Can I let go knowing I am more than the things that happened to me, and freefall into this wonderful waterfall of surrender, held in the arms of Life, struggles and all?

American monk and writer, Thomas Merton, wrote the following Centering Prayer in his book Thoughts in Solitude which challenges us to live in the flow even when we have no idea where we are going. Let us read it together:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, I will trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

As I search for my purpose, I recognize that even now, four years later, my brother continues to find purpose in this space. His death brought him forward into this time, holding me through the questions he conjured inside me. Prompting me to pull you with me in my thought processes. Please know, his life was filled with struggles. Deep, deep struggles. His struggles became his path.  His struggles scared me, kept me from understanding or loving or having compassion. And, yet he loved me still. In his aloneness, in his addictions, in his mental illness, in his physical impairments, in his emptiness, and in his transformation. He loved me still.

May we all find meaning and purpose by loving still, despite the struggles that persist in shaping us.

I leave you with this poem that touched me deeply and echoed my brother’s path to purpose by Jennifer Paine Welwood.

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,
I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me,
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed
Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the One who has made it so,
Who has crafted this Master Game.

To play it is purest delight;
To honor its form-true devotion.

Until next time friends.

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