A Novel Experience

The Birth of finding I…

In the pre-dawn darkness, on a scorching hot and humid Texas morning, my feet rhythmically paced the perimeter streets of my suburban neighborhood. Only a few weeks after shoulder surgery, my early morning swims had been replaced with silent meditative walking before most people cleared the sleep from their eyes. It was in this hushed, steamy blackness that a knocking on my heart began.

A subtle voice from a well deep within was calling me to share my story. With the subtlety there was an urgency to the rumbling inside. A dare to be brave. A dare to unearth the stories buried within my soul. A dare to fall in the mud and carry the stories of others who had survived the trauma of childhood abuse. A dare to begin a journey of repair.

It took multiple knockings before I opened my heart, sat down with pen and paper, and prayed the sharing of my story could help others stuck in the quagmire of shame and aloneness leftover from the wounds of the past. This was the Spring of 2019.

A year later; and too many edits to count, I reached out to a few acquaintances to read my manuscript. I admit, I was not emotionally prepared for the negative responses. The manuscript wasn’t nearly ready, but it still stung me. The feedback I received played on my internal feelings of being “not good enough”. I decided to put finding I on pause. The voice inside, however, did not want me to pause; I was flooded with words and ideas and ways of expressing my story, during my walks and in my sleep. So, back to my desk I went, trusting in the urgings that continued to rumble from that deepest truest part of myself.

Three years later, more pauses, and endless consultations with friends and family, I formulated a new direction. If I could integrate the current behavioral health and neuroscience with the story and struggles of living as a person who grew up under these adverse conditions, perhaps I could provide help and hope to others like me. So, I undertook a large research effort to familiarize myself with the current science and literature of Adverse Childhood Experiences. What I learned seared into me that my new approach to the book was even more important that I realized. If I or my many caregivers had the knowledge, awareness and resources that are *now available, my life may have been very different.

Supercharged with enlightened energy, I burst out of my black hole of funk, and tore back into the manuscript with alacrity. Hope for really being able to help others spurred me on.

After completion of the manuscript, it was time to receive confirmation that the science properly married with the story and provide the intended blended outcome. It is with tremendous gratitude that I thank the following kind and accomplished individuals for reading my manuscript and acknowledging the validity of finding I:

Charles B. Nemeroff MD, PhD
Matthew P. Nemeroff Professor and Chair
Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences
University of Texas at Austin Dell Medical School

Rachel Gilgoff MD
Child Abuse Pediatrician
Integrative Medicine Specialist
Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor
Department of Pediatrics
Division of Allergy and Immunology 
Stanford University School of Medicine    

Sue S. Bornstein, MD, FACP
Executive Director, Texas Medical Home Initiative
Co-Lead, Texas Primary Care Consortium
Chair, Board of Regents, American College of Physicians

Jeffrey D. Rediger, MD, MDiv
Medical Director, McLean Southeast Adult Psychiatry
and Community Affairs, McLean Hospital Mass General Brigham
Assistant Professor Harvard Medical School
Book:
Cured: Strengthen Your Immune System and Heal Your Life, Flatiron Publications 2021

Alane K. Daugherty Ph.D.
Co-Director Mind and Heart Research Lab
Books:
Unstressed: How Somatic Awareness Can Transform Your Body’s Stress Response and Build Emotional Resilience, New Harbinger Publications 2019
From Mindfulness to Heartfulness: A Journey of Transformation through the Science of Embodiment, Balboa Press 2014
The Power Within: From Neuroscience to Transformation, Kendall Hunt Publishing 2008

Sarah Otto, MDiv
Retreat Director and Spiritual Director at the Ignatius House Jesuit Retreat Center in Atlanta, GA  

Debbie Reed
MA CACREP  

Even with this incredible list of acknowledgements, finding an agent or publishing house to say “yes” to finding I was a lesson in humility and perseverance. Just as I wanted to “pause” once again, a friend I had not seen in fifty years crossed my path. It was her belief in the message and her urging to say “yes” to introducing it to the world, that led to the development of www.findingi.org and the self-publishing of the book finding I. It is her touching artwork that graces the cover of the “finding I” book cover and jacket, as well as the website. Thank you, Karen Pollard, www.karenpollard.com.

The biggest thank you goes to my husband, Ed Hilpert, who read, re-reread, and read again for the last four years every word of finding I and each finding I newsletter over the past ten months. Thank you for the countless hours developing the findingi.org website, for the countless hours editing my writing, and for the countless “yes’s” you lovingly give me each day. Thank you, Ed.

You can learn more about me, Adverse Childhood Experiences, stories of life after finding I, and a link to buy the book at www.findingi.org or you can use this link to Amazon to purchase the book https://a.co/d/iYJcCh5.

Please note that findingi.org does not intend to profit from book sales or donations. After admin, web, and publishing expenses, we will donate excess profits to ACE-related charities and research. So please buy the book, write a review on Amazon (if you are so inclined), and spread the word. Thank you.

Until next time, friends.