Experience the Wisdom of Trauma…
I have been thinking about connection and community. Last week I wrote: “Sitting with someone, feeling safe, having connection allows the crack to begin. The crack that is the beginning of letting go of that which has held you hostage. Held you trapped by the past and unable to embrace the beauty that is deep inside. Cracking allows us all to open our hearts to the love that is already there and has been silently waiting for us to embrace it.”
Brene Brown, author and shame researcher defines connection “as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
Over the last several months, together we have been filling our toolbox with strategies to help us overcome and manage the pain of our wounds. Tools to use in the world when our nervous system is overwhelmed and in a state of dysregulation. When we notice that our compassion for self is gone and been replaced with anxiety, these tools help us unlock and dissolve the wounds bringing us more and more into the present moment where we are safe and held. Where we cannot change what happened to us, we can use these tools to change the internal wounds that are stuck in our bodies.
And what I have begun to see is that unless I go out in the world, baggage and all, I cannot practice using these tools. I cannot practice being uncomfortable, overcoming paralyzing fear, social anxiety, fear of not being enough or good enough. Practicing in community helps begin to gently shed the armor that has protected me from the world, one tiny layer at a time, allowing more and more of me to come out of hiding.
If I do not drive down the highway amidst all the other cars and trucks in the wee hours of the morning, I will never overcome my anxiety and certainty that I will die. If I do not swim in community, but rather endless laps alone, I will never overcome the deep and embarrassing notion that I am bad and will never measure up. If I never meet friends for coffee, walks, or happy hours, I will never face my paralyzing social anxiety and feel safety on the other side. If I never stand on deck and coach, I will never learn that I am good enough just as I am. If I find an excuse to cancel every scheduled trip to avoid being seen for who I am, I will never learn that who I am is enough.
It is that stalled belief that was generated with each hit, verbal denigration or inappropriate touch that caused the split in the communion of myself. Being in community helps to find my way back to my wholeness. In community, I must face this split. I must feel all these uncomfortable feelings fully and find, through connection, that I am safe. That my deep true authentic self is seen, heard, and valued, as Brene Brown described connection.
When we are stuck in a trauma wound that has us reacting to the world or those around us from a hyper-vigilant or scared place the natural tendency is to want to escape by isolating oneself, disassociating, and/or numbing those painful feelings. But when in community, using the gifts we have tucked away in our toolbox, we can learn when we feel safe and when we do not. We can learn where our internal boundaries are when we are with others, and we can begin to feel comfortable practicing saying “yes” to what feels right and “no” to what does not. Practicing setting these boundaries frees us to tap into the roots of our inner self. Without practicing this in the real world, we will remain trapped in the trauma wound and there is so much beauty to be discovered on the other side of trauma. In community we meet others where they are; and we find, more often than not, that we are met exactly where we are.
As author and physician specializing in childhood trauma, Dr. Gabor Mate is known for saying: “There is wisdom in trauma.” Yes! There is wisdom in trauma. Are we willing to learn from our pain? Are we willing to recognize that the energy of trauma can be transformed into the energy of life? It is the energy found flowing through connection.
And the key to finding this renewed energy of life is reaching out to others. Reaching out and serving in community and connection.
With great compassion, both for the other and for the self, go out this week in community and hold someone’s hand or allow yours to be held exchanging this energy. Let us be willing to love and be loved in return. Let us hold space for one another without judgement and feel the just reward of trust. Let us gently, one layer at a time, shed our armor. Opening ourselves with empathy, gratitude, and brave self-awareness to experience the “wisdom of trauma” transformed into the energy of life and its healing waters through community and connection.
I want to hear your stories as you journey with your ever expansive toolbox where you may have been afraid to journey before. I am here for you.
Until next time, friends.