Grateful for the People in my Life that Accept Me and all My Frailties…
Today is a hopeful day, friends! Today I climbed out from under my weighted blanket and did not crawl back in. I sat in the quiet of the early morning hours and prayed, read and did a breathing ritual my counselor recommended for me when I am about to face a situation that causes me great anxiety. An anxiety that usually leaves me feeling quite paralyzed and fearful.
You see, I swim. I swim to live. I swim because I love how it balances the hormones in my brain allowing me to face my day with more clarity and ease. But my relationship with swimming of late has become more and more complicated. Driving downtown to the swim center has morphed into thirty minutes of terror. I am convinced I am going to have an accident and die. I am convinced every car; every driver is out to get me. I arrive at the Natatorium in a hyper vigilant state and then I am convinced that nothing I do in the water is good enough. I am convinced the swimmers around me are out to make me feel small and incompetent. I am convinced my coach is standing there shaking her head adding my name to the “shame” list. I feel my heart beating out of control in my chest. And all I really want to do is cry, run, hide and never return.
But I recently came to the realization that there were incidents in my past around swimming and the pool where I was shamed mercilessly, where my dignity was completely stripped from me, where my sense of safety was compromised. Where no one came to save me and the people I trusted the most were actors in this play that robbed me of the knowing of joy and safety and community. I was a child alone. Oh, so alone and naked.
Being able to put those pieces together and recognizing my transference of feelings onto the people I swim with and my coach and the other drivers on the road and asking myself “what is true here?”/ “what are the facts in this situation?” brought me out of the story in my head and into the present moment.
I drove downtown, friends, and no one crashed into me. I went and swam, friends, and no one took my swimsuit off, shamed me, jeered at me or was unkind. It was quite the opposite. I drove home renewed, friends,
Today is a hopeful day. Thank you, God.
Two weeks ago, a subscriber bravely commented that she was devastated by the thought of this kind of abuse happening to children and was grateful it had not touched her life. I commented in return how grateful I (and anyone touched by childhood abuse) would be to have a person like her in our lives. Having a caregiver, partner or friend who is balanced and sees life through clear lens can help one self-regulate when it feels like life is spinning out of control around you. Having someone you feel “safe” with can change the trajectory of your life. It can also save it. Trust me, I know. The power of feeling seen and heard when you have felt lost and hopeless can calm even the most raging of internal voices. I am grateful for the people that have stepped into my life and have accepted me with all of my frailties.
Take a moment to reflect on something that you are grateful for. Can it help you walk into this new day with a clearer lens? Please let me (and us) know by sharing in the comment box below. I appreciate your sharing with me and all of us. No one here is alone.
Until next time, friends.