Coming Out Of Hiding…
Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey challenged us to ask the question “What Happened to You?” when faced with an individual’s underlying physical or emotional dysregulation. Rachel Gilgoff, MD, however, took it a step further in her research paper, Opportunities to Treat Toxic Stress, by asking the question “What is Healing for You?”.
What is healing for you? This is such a great question and one we all need to ask ourselves individually. My answer will not be your answer and your answer will not be Susie’s answer. But the question and the journey there could be a launching point for those of us stymied by the fear of change. And deeper still, transformation.
Transformation more often happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart. The digging into the wound with all its mystery and pain, facing the shame or guilt or darkness, forgiving and releasing.
It must become an actual process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for a while, and allowing yourself to be spit up on a new and unexpected shore. Much like the story of Jonah and the whale.
Coming out of hiding. Facing our eating disorders, self-harm, addictions, self-loathing, deep depression, suicide ideations, chronic illness, loneliness, self-destruction, the tough stuff. The stuff we do not want to face, let alone admit. These are the cover-ups for the pain we never learned to understand. These are the protections we use to mask the woundedness left from the abuse or neglect we experienced as a child or young adult. I assure you, no one reading this is alone.
According to Dr. Gilgoff, “prolonged adversity in childhood without adequate buffering factors, lead to disruptions in neurologic, endocrine, immune, metabolic and/or genetic systems. The subsequent neurodevelopment and physiologic disruptions can increase the risk for stress-related disease and cognitive impairment well into adult years.”
It is NOT your fault.
So, I ask that frightening question again: How do I change? How do I heal? What is healing for you?
The pain of something old falling apart invites us to listen at a deeper level. It invites us into the chaos, the fire, the darkness, into death of the past. We may have to face emptiness, abandonment, and trials. It will not feel good, and we will do everything we can to keep the old from falling apart. Trust me, I know.
I work hard day in and day out on healing from the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I endured. I make progress each day. I have shared with you my victories both large and small. But the night has yet to become my friend. The night holds all my secrets. The night punishes me for daring to be brave and face the trials of my youth. The night truly is “the dark night of the soul” for me. I relive scenario after scenario of trying to escape the pain of my past. The truths that have yet come to the surface so I can at long last sleep without experiencing daily night terrors, screaming, leaping from my bed, different personalities, and insomnia.
But this is also when I need to call on patience and trust. When I need to let go instead of tightening my control and certitude. I also need guidance from my counselor and a neurologist. In my moments of insecurity and crisis, “should’s” and “ought’s” won’t help. They just increase my shame, guilt, pressure and ensure my backsliding.
This is when I need to listen to that deep “yes” that will carry me forward. I need to focus on something I really believe in, something that I am committed to, something that will help me wait it out. My healing. My belief that I can heal and change and transform. I have heard that deep whisper and it tells me I can, and I will.
To begin to move into the light, let us ask ourselves, what is that place that is calling me out of the darkness? What is that deeper knowing, my inner calling? What is essential? What really motivates me? Motivates me deeply.
We need an anchor to hold onto so we can brave the storm, make it out from the belly of the whale. Maybe it is the loving kindness of a friend holding you like you have never been held. Maybe it is risking being truthful with yourself. Maybe it is reaching out to a family member you feel safe with. Maybe it is bravely writing anonymously on a wall asking for words of encouragement. Maybe it is looking into the eyes of your child and showing your soul and seeing theirs. And maybe, if you are lucky, have the ear of a good therapist.
These are all places we can begin our journey of change, transformation and ultimately healing. The neuroscientists assure us we can change our neural pathways. I am counting on their daring research and their tools. And I am counting on community to hold me up, as I am here to hold you up.
Do something brave and kind this week, my friends. I will and we will share again next week.
I leave you with this final thought: “The way to right wrongs is to turn the light of truth upon them.” Ida B. Wells, black journalist and Civil Rights Leader.
Until next time, friends.